How to help your child when they have been betrayed or bullied

As adults, when we think about emotional wounds that we carry, we can often trace back to our childhood for the origin of those wounds. It’s no secret or surprise that our formative years really do impact the rest of our lives. Our emotional wounds could be the result of many situations, including betrayal or bullying. Pastor Dave preached on overcoming betrayal and disappointment this past weekend, which is a wonderful resource for everyone (find the message HERE). According to Dr. Rich Armitage, a family physician and researcher, who published an article on bullying in children and its impact on child health in the British Medical Journal Paediatrics Open:

Bullying in childhood has been classified by the WHO as a major public health problem and for decades has been known to increase the risk of poor health, social and educational outcomes in childhood and adolescence … However, only in the last decade have prospective studies been published that reveal the far-reaching effects of childhood bullying that extend into adulthood. There is now substantial evidence that being bullied as a child or adolescent has a causal relationship to the development of mental health issues beyond the early years of life, including depression, anxiety and suicidality … A 2019 report from the United Nations Educational Scientific and Cultural Organization (UNESCO) examined the global prevalence of bullying in childhood and adolescence … It found that almost one in three (32%) children globally has been the victim of bullying on one or more days in the preceding month, and that 1 in 13 (7.3%) has been bullied on six or more days over the same period. 1

As Christians and as parents, we need to have a clear plan for helping children process and heal from betrayal and bullying so that every effort is made to prevent the carryover of emotional wounds into adulthood that can affect how they succeed in life. The Holy Spirit is an incredible guide and the power of prayer cannot be underestimated, but when it comes to children, is there a thoughtful way to help them process and heal from experiences of betrayal or bullying? While every child is different and every situation is unique, I believe the following steps are universal and can serve as a helpful guide:

  1. Provide a safe and supportive environment
  2. Turn to prayer and scripture
  3. Teach emotional resilience and healthy boundaries
  4. Seek support from counsellors and community
  5. Model forgiveness and trust in God’s healing

Let’s explore each step and think about how to apply it in potential scenario.

1 – Provide a safe and supportive environment

It’s important that your child feels safe and comfortable sharing what happened in their day, how they feel, what they’re curious or worried about etc. This kind of openness from children is only possible when the parent takes time to be present with no other distractions. In other words, it’s good to make eye contact, show signs of listening, be patient, and ask questions. After school, at dinner time or just before bedtime could be great opportunities to have conversations with your child. No matter what your child shares with you, take time to validate their feelings without judgment. And when they tell you that they have been hurt by someone, be ready to reassure them of their worth, reminding them of their identity as a beloved child of God (Psalm 139:14).

Application example:

Your 10-year-old son, comes home in tears after being teased at school. Instead of dismissing his feelings with, “Don’t let it bother you,” you can sit down with him and say, “I can see you’re really upset. Do you want to tell me what happened?” You can listen without interrupting, validating his feelings by saying, “That must have been really hard,” and reassure him, “You are so loved and special to me and to God, no matter what anyone says.”

2 – Turn to prayer and scripture

Listening and showing empathy for your child when they have been betrayed or bullied is vital, but we shouldn’t stop there. As followers of Christ, we need to help point our children to Jesus, in whom we find the way, the truth and the life (John 14:6). While our comfort and love can only go so far, the comfort and love of Jesus through the work of the Holy Spirit, can go so much further. The Bible tells us in Psalm 107:20, “He sent His word and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions” (NKJV). That word “healed” is the Hebrew word, “râphâ”, which means to mend, cure, heal, repair and make whole. There’s nothing quite like a personal word from the Lord that is received through prayer and being in the Bible, God’s Holy Word.

Application example:

After a tough day at school, your 12 year old tells you that she felt like no one liked her. You pray with her, asking God to bring peace and healing to her heart. You might also take time to ask the Holy Spirit what He might be saying to her about the situation (His voice will sound a lot like the Bible). You also share Psalm 34:18, reminding her that “The Lord is close to the broken-hearted.” Together, you talk about how Jesus experienced rejection and betrayal but still trusted God’s plan. This helps your daughter feel comforted and connected to her faith in Jesus.

3 – Teach emotional resilience and healthy boundaries

Chances are that your child may have to face the person who betrayed or bullied them again at school or perhaps they may face another similar situation in the future. It’s important not to think of simply helping your child get through one situation, effectively trying to make bad feelings or bad influences go away, but rather, help your child grow in godly identity, in character, and in emotional health. Putting greater emphasis on the latter will help your child learn from the negative situation they were in, and strengthen them for future life battles. When your child presents feelings of frustration, anger, sadness or fear because of what happened to them, it may be helpful to give them space and time to breathe deeply, calm down, and ask questions to explore why they are feeling what they are feeling. In other words, what is the deeper hurt, lie or insecurity. This is not only helpful to bring to God in prayer, but to also talk about the truth found in God’s Word. Help your child to renew their mind to match God’s Word and release forgiveness to their betrayer/bully. A reminder that forgiveness is not saying what happened was okay, but it’s about letting go of anger and bitterness, and leaving the situation in God’s hands (Romans 12:19). Help your child to pray for the person who hurt them (understanding that the person who hurt them is still made in the image of God, and may be behaving from a place of deeper hurt or misguidance) and ask the Holy Spirit to give them wisdom in how to respond or what to do in the future. Talk about what your child will do the next time they see their betrayer or bully – what will your child focus on, what boundaries will they put in place, what will he or she remember about themselves when hurtful things are being said to them, what will your child do or say that will ultimately be more productive, effective, safe, and godly? It may be helpful to role play and even practice expressing discomfort and boundaries to the person who is being hurtful.

Application example:

When your child has been excluded from his group of friends, you can encourage him to express his feelings calmly. You can role play with him, teaching him to say, “I feel hurt when you leave me out.” Encourage your child to spend time with friends who treat him kindly, setting boundaries with those who are not kind. You also take time to pray with your child for his friends and release forgiveness toward them for being unkind. Over time, your child will gain the confidence in his ability to stand up for himself while staying calm.

4 – Seek support from counsellors and community

There are times when you may need assistance from a Christian counsellor, a mature caring Christian, or a pastor to help your child process the trauma of being betrayed or bullied. Sometimes another caring godly voice in a child’s life can be helpful in them overcome hurt and release forgiveness. This is not you as a parent, passing off the responsibility of spiritually leading your child to someone else, rather, this is about you receiving additional emotional and spiritual support that compliments what you have already done as the parent. The Bible has much to say about the wonderful benefits of being a part of the body of Christ. In Galatians 6:2, the Apostle Paul encourages the believers to “Carry each other’s burdens” and in Hebrews 10:24-25, we are encouraged to “consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together … but encouraging one another – and all the more as you see the Day approaching” (NIV).

Application example:

You notice your daughter is withdrawing from family activities and struggling with her self-esteem after being bullied. After making attempts to talk with your daughter, you arrange for her to see a Christian counsellor where she learns tools to cope with her emotions and rebuild her confidence. You also reach out to a trusted youth leader at church who invited your daughter to a Life Group. There, your daughter finds friends who support her and she begins to feel less alone.

5 – Model forgiveness and trust in God’s healing

Our actions speak louder than words and how we live our lives will have a tremendous impact on our children. If we tell kids to express themselves calmly, but we tend to lose control of our temper, we are sending a very mixed message. If we tell kids that it’s to our benefit to forgive and pray for our enemies, but we hold onto bitterness and only speak hatred toward people who hurt us, our godly instruction is not as effective. Matthew 5:16 encourages us to “let our light shine before others, that they may see our good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven” (NIV). When we model a life of prayer, of inviting God into our feelings of frustration, of forgiveness, of connecting to godly community, of dependence on God’s Word, and of healthy boundaries in relationships, we encourage the same behaviour in our children.

Application example:

After a teacher unfairly scolds your 9 year old in front of his class, he felt betrayed and angry. You acknowledge your son’s feelings, saying “It’s okay to feel upset when someone treats you unfairly.” You pray together, asking God to help your son forgive his teacher. You share a story about when you had to forgive a coworker and explained how forgiveness is about freeing our heart and leaving the situation in God’s hands, not excusing bad behaviour. Over time, your son learns to let go of resentment and trust God to make things right.

In conclusion, while there are so many more application examples that could be given, the hope is that the following steps will guide you in helping your child when they have been betrayed or bullied: provide a safe and supportive environment, turn to prayer and scripture, teach emotional resilience and healthy boundaries, seek support from counsellors and community, and model forgiveness while trusting in God’s healing. No matter the season of life or situation, ask the Holy Spirit to guide you and give you wisdom on how best to respond and coach your child in the various challenges of life. He is always faithful to answer and He is always ready to give you what you need.

1 Armitage, R. (2021). Bullying in children: impact on child health. BMJ Paediatrics Open, 5(1), e000939. https://doi.org/10.1136/bmjpo-2020-000939